Monday, January 7, 2013

You know there are certain things that embarrass me more than others but overall I'd say I have a pretty high tolerance for humiliation. I've spent a good amount of life in that space and its kind of part of my comfort zone. One thing that is embarrassing to me is just about anything that requires me to go without a shirt. There are several factors at play here, each adding to the embarrassment more than the last. If any one of them were present individually I think I could deal okay. Firstly, my last name is Aanerud. That means that a good part of my ancestry has spent a large portion of history sheltered from the sun since Scandinavia isn't generally a place where there are a lot of dark skinned Anglo's walking around. I almost said shirtless Anglo's but that isn't accurate - there are those. So combine that with the Hank Hill style farmer's tan that I have been carefully perfecting over the years of riding my bike and you have a sweet combo of white and dark (the scale of darkness is relative).

Secondly, I am today the most out of shape that I may have ever been at any point in my life. I sit all day at a desk almost everyday and I have a sweet Dr. Pepper habit (that I can kick at any time if I so choose, just saying). That matrix results in a rockin gut that would rival any pregnant woman's. Sometimes I am so bloated after eating crap and sucking down carbonated beverages that it actually feels as firm as a pregnant belly. And, sometimes, in the still of the night, I can feel the kicks.

Thirdly, when I was 18, in fact it was on my 18th birthday I did the most rebellious thing I may have ever done in my life and got a tattoo. The subject of the tattoo is not that bad, it's placement that's embarrassing. I was not myself when I got it. You know the story, a teenage kid all jacked up on Dr. Pepper, I've heard it a thousand times. Next thing you know there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up. Sorry, that was off topic. Getting back to the point - so I have a lot of freckles and whatnot on my shoulders and back which is where I originally wanted it but because of that the 'artist' would not put it there. So it ended up on my lower back. By the way its a griffin. Bitchin huh?!

So my in-laws in their infinite generosity are taking all kids and grandkids on a cruise in February in which I will be sorely tempted to take my shirt off and swim with my kids. I did this a few weeks ago in California but we were literally the only ones at the pool so it didn't matter. It's funny though how you can still be embarrassed in front of your kids who are all oblivious to almost everything.

That's the trifecta - crappy coloring, crappy gut, crappy tattoo. I have to be the triple crown winner of idiocy right? Maybe I should get one of those awesome 20's style one piece jobs. Let me go check Amazon.


becki said...


Carrie said...

hehe. you make me laugh. you could get a spray tan? easy way to fix one of the problems. ; ) also, read the emails i sent sarah. if you really care THAT much about the gut problem.

Clint said...

I lol'd at our "kicks" comment. You know my brother has a lower back tattoo, right? He's going through the removal process, but he wore some high-waisted boardshorts.

B'sAntiBlog said...

lol, Ahh the ever preset body image issues. I've been married 7+ years and every time we've gone swimming (It's been a few) my husband wears a shirt...those sport shirts that wick moisture away (lol right). He hates getting burned. Actually we all wear shirts even me now over my bathing suit....tanning sounds fun but burnt skin is just not something I want to deal with, with me or the kids. We're the oddest little family with shorts and shirts in the pools but we all love it and no one ever crys at night b/c of burned shoulders. So if I were you, I'd wear a shirt with pride and enjoy the thought that your skin cancer will kick in a few years after everyone else.

Have a great trip, If you leave from Galveston let me know, I'd love to try and see you guys....maybe lunch. I'm in Houston.