Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Things I have learned

My job often has me traveling to neighboring towns and the nature of Wyoming is very few people spread way out. So often these trips will take 10 or 12 hours give or take a few. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not travel alone. I always have my good friend Dr. Pepper riding shotgun and filling my bladder repeatedly throughout the day. Well, one thing leads to another and I find myself going to the bathroom more often than I would were I just at the office or at home and because I'm out and about I have to use bathrooms other than my own. I'm a guy and Wyoming is sparsely populated so #1 usually isn't much more than a brief stop along side the highway at a ranch exit or something. #2 does cause problems here and there though. I have had some experiences that have given me wisdom that I would like to pass on. To anyone that may find this offensive, hi, my name is Eric, we may not have met.

#1 if you are going to pee along side the highway, make sure that there is not a frontage road you are facing when offloading.

#2 if you find yourself forced to drop a deuce in a port-a-john this is a very helpful tip. Create a landing pad with the toilet paper to prevent back splash, keep in mind that this is usually single ply so feel free to use as much as makes you comfortable, trust me, it's way better than the alternative.

#3 If you have a choice between a men's room, ladie's room and a family room always pick family room.

#4 if you are going to use the bathroom in a vacant house, make sure the water is turned on.

#5 if you are going to use the bathroom in a vacant house make sure you lock every door possible before someone could find you ill prepared to greet them while copping a squat.

#6 if you are going to use the bathroom at a vacant house where you know the water has been shut off, and against your better judgement you decide to go ahead and relieve yourself outside, behind a shed or something, you know, where no one can see you....make sure no one can see you. Especially an unsuspecting homeowner or neighbor.

#7 in my rather extensive experience in this field of study the order of preferred places to go is as follows: public government building (libraries are great), office buildings, higher end grocery stores or big box stores (if its before 12noon), vacant residences (provided they are equipped to meet you needs, water, tp, doors to lock, etc.), outside, port-a-john, gas station.

#8 I find it quite useful to always have wet ones on hand. You never know what you might run in to. Alongside those, some disinfectant wipes.

#9 If you are ever forced to go in an open container, make absolutely sure you have a means whereby to dispose of said container immediately. Take a tip from the truckers and huck that thing out the window if you have to (i know you all have seen those pee jugs alongside the highway) don't worry a nice scout troop or some inmates or someone will get it later.

I guess that's it for now. I'll be sure to pay attention and let you know if there is any other bits of knowledge I should pass along in the future. Hope this is helpful to someone someday.

If you have a tip for me, please share. I'm always looking for the latest and greatest.

4 comments:

Brady and Taryn said...

I don't have any advice to add, but I do have to agree with your list of best places to go, putting gas station below port-a-john. Gas stations are so digusting, especially ones in small towns where the door doesn't even have a lock, so you just have to put someone on guard in front of the door while you hold your breath and try not to pass out.

Ryan & Danielle said...

haha, o eric. thanks for the advice. you are silly.

love addies new pic.

becky said...

Good tips! I'll try to remember them! Have Amy tell you how to use a phone book in one of those occasions. Probably not used the way you would think!

Kristi said...

As always Eric, your post did not disappoint. Thank you for the laugh.